Abby was alone in her room and heard her brother angrily yelling for Abby to get downstairs. He promised he wouldn’t hurt her and wouldn’t body slam her or suffocate her. Abby being only being 7, trusted her older brother. She shouldn’t have.
Abby was asked to stand still in the middle of the living room. Her brother proceeded to “teach himself karate” by kicking Abby repeatedly in the face and her torso. With all of his strength he punched her in the stomach. Every kick was a shock to her system. Every time Abby dropped, he yelled at her to get back up and stand still. She continued to listen to him. He, who was 12 years old, continued to kick and punch her with all of his might. Every punch, every kick, deepened the pain she felt until her entire body seemed to hum. She seemed to be going def because everything she heard seemed muffled. She could hear this one soft voice in her head though. The voice whispered softly and calmly,
“he’s going to kill you. Run.”
The voice became a bit louder, “..run…run…run…now…” but it was still too low. Abby continued to stand in the middle of the room. She continued to take every kick and every punch, thinking it would be over soon. Finally, this strong and absolutely confident voice shouted,
“He’s KILLING you. RUUUUN!”
And something finally snapped. Abby finally ran. She ran to the bathroom, hugged the toilet, and in tears , she started convulsing. This never happened before. Abby believed the voice. She thought she was finally dying. She was shaking, cold and scared. Abby could barely see. Her brother ran to her, yelling, he tried to pull her, drag her back to the living room. Abby held on to the toilet with all her might and uttered the words, “Stop. I don’t feel good. I think I’m going to die.” Sobbing, she dared not look at him. She didn’t have the strength to look up at him even if she wanted to. Abby no longer had control of her body. Her brother’s response to Abby announcing that she was going to die? “Good. I want you to die.” He was very clear and confident. That was the best thing he could have said to her. It was official, if Abby didn’t die on that day, he would be sure to kill her on another day.
After that day, Abby finally told her mother everything and her mother made sure that the house was safe while she was at work. Abby’s grandmother was at the home waiting for Abby and her brother every day after school for years after that day, to ensure Abby was safe.
Why did I tell you this story? Because Abby was 7 years old and she was a bully. Abby hurt another little girl despite knowing full well what it felt like to be hurt. So if she knew, why did she do it? Because Abby didn’t really know. How can any 7-year old really know how to make sense of that abuse? Abby never intentionally hurt anyone else after that one day but she easily could have, couldn’t she? Had that voice not whispered to her to run, giving her some sort of power in the knowledge that making another choice can change her life for the better instead of for worse, Abby would probably have continued to have been abused and possibly continued to abuse anyone who was different from her. Abby might have actually died eventually. She could have died physically or spiritually if she continued to be abused by her brother.
Bullies. They are a tangled mess of fear and anger. Bullies have no safe place. Bullies have those whispers drowned out by the fear and anger and have no outlet for all of that negative energy. Bullies have no one they feel they can turn to for support, understanding and protection. So our 7-year old bullies grow up, never finding the power that comes from making better choices. I believe that we have all been there, even if for a split second. Even if we spewed that negative energy against ourselves in private versus projecting it outside to innocent people. We are all or have all been bullies at one point in our lives. Do not hate a bully. The bully is already filled with nothing but hate and anger and fear. Feel pity, but don’t just stop there. Try to find a connection and be the light that bully needs. Abby was a bully in the traditional sense of the word, even if only for those 2 minutes that one day in second grade. She was a bully. I, I was a bully. And that is something I apologize for every night and that I will regret my entire life. Do not turn your back on a bully. Help her. She is lost and drowning in anger and fear. And she hasn’t yet realized that she can trust that inner voice and that there is great power to be found in making a different choice.
strength. love. life. 
Very brave post. Powerful! Thank you for sharing with us! It’s something we all should read…
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Thank you. It was definitely a post that was emotional to write and nerve-wracking to actually post. I almost didn’t post it.
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It was quite brave to do so… Did it help to post it?
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It did help to post this. It helped to “say” it out loud. I felt like I was able to finally forgive myself a bit.
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I’m glad. It’s crucial to not keep guilt or regret inside of us, take up energy until we face it and it slowly goes away when it knows we aren’t intimidated by it any longer… We must be more kind to ourselves ☺
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Reblogged this on timelesswheel and commented:
Let’s all identify and eliminate the bully inside of us.
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Thank goodness you listened to that voice.. Very Brave.xxx
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Strength.Love.Life., you are a good writer, and I like reading your work.
I have seldom seen the word “whirlwind” written or even used….
There are far too many things left unsaid, and this is a situation I have no experience in, although I know some of the same factors first-hand.
I know 2 little boys that were Bullyed unmercifully for 17 years, one of these was the older Brother*, step-Brother. People knew what was going on, there were some who even acted, and I am referring to adults, they fanned the flames even higher.
However, this didn’t make the 2 little boys go out and Bully, nor Abuse anyone.
In all the Bullying experiences I can recall, there were always at the very least 1 adult involved in the first person, and any time it was school related, school personnel was involved.
* Much later in life it came out that the older Brother had hung himself, the Grandmother had found him and saved him. That is when it came out that he had been molested.
If I were on psychotropic drugs who knows, maybe I could Bully myself, but I am not. I am highly motivated, driven to be exact, so when I have much to do but a black cloud hanging over my mood is slowing production, I have been known to have some heartless pep-talks with myself. But I do want you to know that it’s not like I coined these words or phrases myself, they are just tidbits left over from days when pieces of crap Bullyed 2 little boys while a piece of crap step-Father beat the 2 little boys with a bull whip. But those days ended when I was 17-years-of-age.
My Little Brother is a block and a half away, and still my best Friend.
My 85-year-old step-Father is at the dining room table, I help take care of him, incidentally he is now at the point of forgetting at times and becoming agitated, which I reassure him that with all he has to do a person is bound to forget John Wayne’s last name sometimes, which draws a smile, then we take a deep breath together and move on with our day.
In a world that has known almost no agape, very little storge or philia, only eros and the “GOOD” people that think only of preying on the weak, aged, women and children.
There are still a few real human beings left that came together over 2 years ago as friends, most are Veterans that were traveling on this Boulevard of Broken Dreams. These caring people took those 2 little boys in because of like values, and the fact that we don’t turn a blind eye to any one….
I live my life as it is given, one breath at a time…. we are happy and see all the beauty around us, which few people see,
Robert Blackhorn StrongBow
P,S. – Our Father crossed the river when we were young. The day I ceased being afraid of any man, I knew for sure of only 2 good men that I had ever known, My Father Big Eagle and my Uncle Frank who was my Father’s Uncle. My little Brother is named for Our Uncle, he is Frank Eagle StrongBow, he is also Co-Founder of Our sites, and he is the 3rd Good Man that I know.
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Thank you for your comments and thoughts, Robert. And thank you for helping educate as many people as you can to end child abuse through your efforts in Not in My World. I think bullying is definitely a form of abuse and bullying is definitely a “crossroads” that many of us stop at on our journey here – where decide whether we will continue a life of abusing others versus not. It all comes from fear and feeling like you have no control. I can relate to that and I’m glad I made a different choice. Not everyone who is abused becomes an abuser in the same way, just like there are folks out there who abuse others; however, they themselves have never personally experienced abuse. Something else quite different could have caused the abusers’ fear, self-loathing or feeling of lack of control.
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Strength.Love.Life. You are welcome, and Thank You so much!!!!
I had thought about you this past weekend, and was intending on stopping back by.
You know I had an odd thought that most probably some don’t see themselves as Bullys, because I know for a fact that there are those that believe they are better than most anyone else.
Yes, Bullying is most definitely abuse. If you find the time, I did a post that looks at some of the violence today from a different perspective, I believe the name of the post is “The Whip”, and it speaks very plainly of my feelings toward the press.
Sincerely,
Robert
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Hi Robert! I look forward to reading your post. And yes, I’m sure many don’t see themselves as bullies. We almost never think we are what we hate the most.
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I like the way you think!
Robert
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