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I get it. I finally get it. You know…that saying about dogs being “man’s best friend”. It makes so much sense to me now. If you allow yourself to selflessly love another being and that being is a dog, wow! You will have the best friend you never thought you would want. What makes me say this? Because people are inherently selfish. We are preoccupied with our own story, our problems, our own goals. So even when you have that best girlfriend with whom you can talk about anything and everything, she still leaves to continue her life by going to work, taking care of her kids, focusing on her own personal issues. And this is not a bad thing. We all do it. But your dog? She’s always there. Always obedient. Always giving you the attention you need when you need it. So when she’s gone, that absence is felt deeply. For me, the pain is excruciating.

My Sunny is gone. And her absence is felt everywhere when I’m home. I have to completely ignore my own house in order to go from one room to the next. I can’t really focus on any one object and be “in the moment” because Sunny’s life is still echoing. I can still hear her sneezing, or snoring, or scratching on the door to get in. I can hear her pitter pitter down the hall. I expect to see her at my feet when I turn my head as I’m preparing dinner. Our kitchen was like a street crossing. We had to look both ways before taking a step back, or to the side, or even opening the fridge, because Sunny was always waiting for scraps.

Sunny’s love and devotion was profound. Even on her last day on earth, as her body was shutting down, she stood on her own when we brought her one last time to the park. And when my mother came to say goodbye, Sunny lifted her head to give a kiss without being prompted or called.

Sunny – 3/29/17

Sunny’s endurance was life changing. After double enucleations, diabetes, and large cell lymphoma, never did her spirit waiver. She was always happy. Never whimpering or giving any indication that she was uncomfortable or in pain. She walked on her own for as long as she could on her last day, never leaving our side. Always trying to be as close to us as physically possible.

But Sunny is dead now and I miss her. It feels as though someone has taken her from me and they won’t give her back. So if I could only find her and rescue her, she will be back home with me. Like she’s at the vet’s office waiting for me to get out of work to bring her home. That is how unreal her death seems to me. How can my best friend of 15 years be gone? And how can I continue to do the most basic of chores without feeling like something is missing?

I thought going to work would be better, but all I felt was that continued anger of someone keeping me from my dog. And everyone at the office and every concern that came up felt utterly pointless and angered me even more. I mean, who cares when my dog needs me, right? At least that’s how my soul felt. My soul is still searching for my Sunny. My best friend.

Who knew that saying was so beyond true? – “man’s best friend” – I didn’t. Not even after almost 15 years of love and caregiving. I know Sunny is at peace. She’s healthy and without pain. But that means I have to be heartbroken. At least for a little while longer. Until we meet again…

Song by She & Him – “We’ll Meet Again” 

We’ll meet again – lyrics

We’ll meet again,
Don’t know where
Don’t know when
But I know we’ll meet again some sunny day
Keep smiling through
Just like you always do
And the blue skies chase the grey skies far away

So won’t you please say hello
To the folks that I know
Tell them I won’t be long
They’ll be happy to know
That as you saw me go
I was singing this song

We’ll meet again,
Don’t know where,
Don’t know when
But I know we’ll meet again some sunny day

So won’t you please say hello
To the folks that I know
Tell them I won’t be long
They’ll be happy to know
That as you saw me go
I was singing this song

We’ll meet again
Don’t know where,
Don’t know when
But I know we’ll meet again some sunny day
But I know we’ll meet again some sunny day